the fragile substance of my soul

You know when you’ve had a falling out with a friend and you don’t even know why? When you’ve been cut out and left in the cold without so much as an explanation? It stings. I am not so forgiving a person as to let it go and move on, to assume that it was my fault and that someone needed to be in a different space.

I have always needed to know why- it was my favourite question as a child, and not much has changed nearly twenty three years later.

‘I have to go-’
‘Why?’

‘You musn’t say-’
‘Why?’

‘Wipe your hands before you touch-’
‘Why?’

‘Why’, ‘why not’, ‘but why’… have always formed the centre of my knowledge, my insatiable curiosity about the world and her peoples. It is the reason why I do what I do: because, once you ask that first ‘Why?’, you’re compelled to wonder about the ‘How’.

And that’s true for almost everything else- when the ‘Why’ just isn’t good enough, when it just stands by itself without any construction; any change; any challenge. And that’s when you need your ‘How’: when your Why is meaningless without it.

A mutual friend told me about the ‘How’: how you are, how your career is going, and how you’re enjoying it. I’m happy for you. It’s made me realise that I don’t quite care about your ‘what’.

I’m enjoying learning how to define, challenge, question my ‘what’.